The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
