You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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