I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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