I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
