he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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