i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i drank out of a bidet.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
