that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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