there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
