these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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