gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
do herpes really smell.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
