I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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