see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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