I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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