Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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