can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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