i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
