Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You can't motorboat a personality
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
