you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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