oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
