She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I deserve this hangover.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
