Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
