Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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