can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
