I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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