Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
