At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
