so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
