I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
