if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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