he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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