You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
