K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
