He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
