Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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