I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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