I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You pole danced in your parka.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
