sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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