Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She told me I should be a condom model.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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