I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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