Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Too much gin, very little bucket
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Someone signed my nipple.
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