I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
