i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
