i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The feeling are messing with the penis
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
