I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
