The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
