I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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