his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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