I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
