i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
