i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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