it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
