her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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