You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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