i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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