you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
