i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He had one of those small greek statue penises
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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