my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i dont even know how to be here
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
