I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
