He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
