So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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