She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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